Failing others’ expectation and others failing me. The intersection of these just makes me want to run away. It just eats you up, and you breakdown. You ask yourself why you’re subjected to this. Why is that finger pointing in your face. Why isit that whatever you’ve done is never enough. Why are you just not good enough.

This questions just kept replaying in my mind. It hurts. So badly. That bad thoughts came into my mind. For a moment, I wanted to relive some bad habits.

Sorry that being a teacher is not special enough, or being an accountant. Sorry that I’m gonna draw a 2plusk job in future. Sorry that I can’t be a lawyer, doctor or dentist. You’ve overestimated me. Super badly. I’m not that smart. But I tried my best. I don’t want to be special by drawing a high salary. I’m special being myself. I’m gonna be special being a teacher. I’m gonna be special in whatever I’m doing because I’m special to begin with. I don’t need a high salary to prove that I am. I don’t go to uni to do a special course to take on a special job. I go to uni to fulfill my passion. I go to uni to be a step nearer to be where I want to be. Don’t downplay my passion. Don’t tell me what can I do in the future with what kind of salary I’m gonna draw. Salary and passion, I choose passion. I know it’s gonna be hard.

It’s not that I’ve didn’t think about it before. I may have even thought further than you did. I shut you out because the future you were talking about is one that you’ve wanted. Not me. I don’t want to have a high pay or whatever it is and not enjoy life. I love to teach. I want interactions with the younger generation. I want to tell them what I’ve went through and help them through the shittiest time of their life. Cause I’ve been there, and I want to let them know it’s possible to get over this. Being a lawyer, dentist or doctor doesn’t give me that. And of course, my results weren’t good enough as well.

I’ve gotten over the phase of comparing you guys against others’ families. So will you just stop comparing me against those elites? I’m not one and I can’t be one. But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be special. Okay? I will still give my best from what I have. Even though it may seem little. But it will be enough.

I’m a simple person. I don’t need a lot of things. And I don’t want a lot of things. I just want to spend my life peacefully. Go for occasional holidays, have monthly family gatherings, eat dinner with my loved ones. That’s probably enough for me. Bullshit to all the private houses and sports cars, they are good. But, nah. Not for me.

I just want to spend my life doing what is right, and what I love. I know how sucky it is to be broke and broken. I know how sucky it is to go home by yourself, and when you unlock that door, what greets you is an empty house. I know how sucky it is to hear your parents quarrel everyday. I know how sucky it is to have the whole family going down your throat, when you feel that the world has abandoned you. I know all this. All the more I want to teach. I respect you guys a lot. I just want you to know where I’m coming from. I didn’t mean to get emotional. But I just felt soo hurt. But I won’t hold it against anyone ahh…

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Maybe you’ve began to see our differences. Maybe I’m not fit for this at all……………