When I was young, I used to dream about growing up. It’s really something I craved for; I couldn’t stop thinking about how it would be when I would break free from this situation. Break free from people’s expectations, from my own expectations, from this place that lacks love so badly. Now, I’m 22. On and off, the same things are still happening. Overall, yeah, I think we can agree that ultimately things did get better. But no, that’s not the reason for this blogpost today.

Even till now, I still have this deep desire to one day just, be a rebel and run away. I mean…. I dono. Please forgive me for having these thoughts. I’ve always dreamt that adulthood is going to be more carefree… and I’m going to be happier. With good grades, good friends…. But aigooooo. I’m like still plagued with the same if not worse, more issues. (heave a deep sigh) I can vividly remember asking God to make things better for like 22919010932002 times. Honestly, with all glory and honor, He did. He did make things better. We aren’t that quarrelsome anymore, and looking at those pits of my life…. He was actually the one who lifted me up and out of them. But one thing, there is this one thing I really want to thank God for. Other than answering my prayer, He made one thing better too. That’s me. Haha. I couldn’t believe how far I’ve came. And I couldn’t believe that he believed in me so much that He died on the cross for me. Amidst all these struggling, I found God. He’s as real as my fears. Whenever I’m holding back, He whispers to me one of His promises. “I’m scared.” He’d say, “I’m with you.” “I can’t do it.” He’d say, “I will do it with you.” “This is not for me, I hate this. Why don’t You just make it right?!?!” He’s patiently say, “this is gonna be good for you.” I do get a little pekchek sometimes whenever He replies with such a gentle tone…. Like I’m the only one that’s anxious. But, I guess that’s true? I’m indeed the only one that’s anxious. Truth be told, I’m easily wavered by little things. To the best of my ability, I really ensure that things are going right in my life. Little by little, He broke these insecurities apart.

But of course, I’m not perfect. Just like what Paul had said in Phil 3:12-14

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I’m not there, neither am I almost there… I know it’s going to be a long road. But, my prayer started to change. I will always remember this quote which prompted the change. We ask God, not for a lighter burden, but for stronger backs. Ultimately, God is after us. He wants me to be the best that I can. And I can only pray that for every test and temptation that comes my way, the Holy Spirit will help me fight away this innate brokenness, that I can be who Jesus Christ has called me to be.