Coming here with a badly bruised ego. Man, it’s really not easy admitting your mistakes. It still gives me a very gaowei feeling even until now.

Had slipped into a state of bitterness and probably grudges because my mom is behaving rather cranky these days. Asking me about the smallest things and our topic always revolved around money. Which is something I really hate. I mean, if showing concern = asking how much I’ve spent. I’d rather not have it? lol. Okay fine……… I know I’m at fault too for being so impatient with her sometimes. When Pastor Simon Eng was sharing about tough love being practiced out of love, when he was saying how people say things we don’t like is out of concern and stuff. A part of me. Maybe a very very very small part knows that it’s true when it comes to my mom. But my carnal self was very skeptical. Kinda rolling my eyes secretly. Which is very very very bad spirit. Okay. That’s why I say I’m having a super badly bruised ego now, with everything that’s happening.

I did everything that he said we shouldn’t. Looking at her in a negative light, and kinda refused to grow up and make the mature choice these days. I really hate it when she questions me? And it made me went through a delayed rebellious stage. Bitterness and grudges came in. Sighh.

I’ve made a stand to get out of this. To grow. The first one to be changed must be me. Yeah. Liting, yao grow ah. And I know I’ve been quite cranky these days also. Sorry for not being as loving as I should be. Sorry for passing judgments. Sorry for all the trouble.

Must stamp out this skeptism to move on.

I think I’ve shifted to practicing self-centered love recently. Very bad. Liting, very bad. I focused on how I feel rather than how things should be. Back to my emotionally-driven self. No, no no….. I want to be God-driven. I fell, and my ego burst(LOL) but nvm, I’m gonna get back up again. Give me some time.

What is happening in the ministry showed me how fragile life could be? I couldn’t even bear the thought of anyone around me leaving, so I must really stop this kinda stupid self-centered love and move on to greater things. Because when you really love somebody, you don’t really care about what you’ve given. Or what you’ve not gotten. Of course we’re humans, slipping here and there is normal. Sigh. But that’s not a reason.

I didn’t even consider anything when I went to meet those I love, and want to be with. People like my hjms.. Joyce. But the gap comes in when it comes to people you don’t really love. Or people who have hurt you before. Our thinking is tainted with angst and bitterness whenever we see them. And probably a tad of, aiyah he/she will never change one lah. And that’s something God will never do.

I’m utterly defeated. Utterly humbled. So, *breathes in* let’s see what life awaits and I’m not gonna to do it the same way again. At least not in a self-centered way.