SHad this random thought when I'm in lecture. I had been following this Taiwanese show closely, it talks about people psychologically, socially.. and it tries to explain human behavior with those methods and also by horoscope and tarot. Lol.

I have been suffering from bad sleeping quality these days, it takes a lot for me to fall asleep so I've decided to use that time to consolidate some thoughts..

 

I remember very clearly some words of the psychologist. She actually said, in an episode of extra national affair. 不要太高估你自己，你没有那么伟大。yess, how many times have we thought that it's our actions that made someone else the way they are. Oh, I must have been A very bad wife hence my husband has to go outside and look for some fun. Yeah. I guess everybody goes through that period of soul searching and self reproach. But. We can't be stuck in that process for too long. Have we ever stopped and think that, regardless of our actions, if someone wants to go out and have some fun, we actually are powerless to stop them. Even if you're average Jane, he will go. Even if you're Angelina Jolie, he would have gone ahead too. Many times, ppl commit something undesirable, it's not because others didn't love him or her enough. It's because we are sinful to begin with, and it's hard to not make mistakes all the time. It's their own brokenness they're struggling with, yes you could have played your part, but can we realise that sometimes.... it's really not about us even though we are hurt by their actions.

Many wives believe that if they do a better job. Their husbands would come back to them... yeah, maybe. But have we solved the root of the problem here? Usually, extra marital affairs is not a reason for a couple to fall apart. But it's a consequence. The root issue goes wayy deeper. It's not you changing to make the situation to work towards what you want now. It's about working together. Similarly, many issues goes deeper than what they seemed like. It's not because of you all the time. It maybe because of the other party. Or two of you together.

My point of saying this is that many times we get caught up in the thinking that if we do something better, we could have kept someone by our side. But no, it's a deeper issue. It's not solely about you. Pull back and think, we all have our dark side hence we make certain choices and mistakes. Forgive yourself, and forgive the other party my recognizing this may be more liberating for everybody.

Maybe one thing we should do is to think about why certain things hurt us more than others do. Sometimes, we aren't hurt by the actions of others. Think, A can hit B and C in the same way with the same strength. But B may have make a big fuss out of it while C walks away cooly. Why? Because different things gets to the depths of our hearts. Underlying all these hurts are anger, disappointment, insecurity, grief... whatnot. Maybe it's worth a thought why we can't seem to move on from certain stuffs. As it is written, all has fallen short of God's standards. It's totally normal to feel broken because we are broken to begin with. Just rmb. There's always a better solutions with God. I know it's not easy. I'm struggling to even pen  this down. hope it makes sense.

Sense of abandonment. It's so real to me. Many times how I feel is a result of my insecurities. The solution is not to ask others to treat me better.. value me more. But to be healed of this wounds by God

Woah. I think God just brought me through a season of real lows and now everything's looking a bit better. But of cause, I don't want my mood to be determined by my circumstances because God is my joy.. but truth be told.. I guess I've been holding myself together for quite some time as much as I can. Talking about it makes me sad. So sad that I won't stop crying. And that makes me tired and eventually inefficient for the things that I'm supposed to do. Ie ministry.. studies.. Netball. I've went many days lacking sleep. Partly because I can't. Partly because I really have no time. I felt the heat burning all around me. Everything is shouting to me. Do this! Do that! Come on liting spare more time. There's soo much to do. And I'm amazed at how God brought me through. He's always there for me. And He knows me. And my weaknesses. He knows that I've been losing faith in the situation. Ppl are leaving, ppl can't be bothered to care more. Nobody's looking at the big picture. Everyone can only see themselves.. which was really draining. I wouldn't dare say I did the best job in loving them. And being a salt and light to them because there're times that I've really gotten super pissed and raged at them as well. But I think I really wanna thank God for reminding me to keep the faith. From the beginning, when I haven't been allocated my mods. I had a stubborn faith that God will make it work.. I mean judging but situation as well?! I'm graduating leh. God, You will give it to me right? I was disheartened when the appeal took quite some time. But something within me told me to ask and I'll receive. In the end, the stubborn faith worked out.. ohnono, I mean God worked!! Hahaa He had mercy on me and gave my mods to me (which I'm struggling to juggle now)

So from that incident on, God told me that it's the same Him that's working. So I can have the same stubborn faith no matter what I'm praying for. Be it for my mom, my family, my future or my career.. hmm, haha sounds politically correct.. but ohman. When Moe didn't reply my email and all my other friends had gotten them, that REALLY SUCKED. I wonder why God made me had all these passions and dreams for.. I wonder why He made me come to NUS and in the end not giving me a chance to try for teaching. I began to doubt.. then He replied me by saying He knows all these passions and dreams that I have. And He won't forget them. He wants the best for me, so if I'm made for this what makes me think that He won't give it to me.. woahh I was blown away. So I told God that I will keep the faith again. And I will keep the faith for the situation in my house no matter how tough things gets because He's the one who is watching over us. And praise the Lord because my mom's health report is good. There's nothing wrong with her!! :) the doc gave her meds to sleep better at night. And I'm praying that things will get better from here.. And I've been scheduled a Moe interview!!  :) although nothing is confirmed, but I really take heart that I did this whole thing with Him. And now I'm even more assured that He is for me and He really knows me and wants the best for me.

I hope this post encouraged you a lil, and I'm looking forward to even more testimonies to glorify Him. :)

In good times or bad times, there's only one thing we need to do. Have faith, my friend.

P.s. thanks for those who always showed concern. Appreciate it deep deep in my heart. :)