I was just reading my old blog posts, and I saw the one which I wrote about some video which we played in MJ cg. Lol, and guess what? It was played during cg again today. I don’t think it’s coincidence bah. It’s the video about the bridgemaster sacrificing his son just to save the train of people, much as they seemed undeserving, much as they indulge in their sinful lifestyles, much as they have no relations with him at all. He used his son’s life to pay for people……. that may not even care enough to say a thankyou or may not even know about this painful giving. Yet, he made the choice.

This is grace, getting what we don’t deserve (God’s love), and not getting what we deserve (the full consequences of our sins). I guess I’ve been brought back to the very fact why I’m still standing here today, having the strength to be myself, and embracing the fact that I’m still imperfect and stuffs. It’s God’s grace and love. That He loved me unconditionally, and was always there for me through all the good and bad times. That He gave His one and only Son to die on the cross for the sins that He did not commit at all. I guess I haven’t been very thankful for this grace that’s so readily available in my life recently, and I’m sorry God.

Recently, I was on my way to school. So I saw this mother, who was carrying her toddler son. Her son was stepping on her thighs as he giggled away, having the time of his life being carried upon and coaxed by his mom. It was a picture perfect moment. But I felt something more than just happiness. J

My mom was a babysitter before, she babysat my lil cousin. So he stayed at our house for a good first two years of his life. So, being very nais kids, me and my brother always take turns to look after him as well. I remembered while he was learning how to walk, we’d carry him the same way too. So that he gets a better idea of how it feels to stand on two feet, while being in the comfort zone of our embrace. He would kick and leap, partly because our thighs are soft and not that stable to stand on, and also because he gets very excited and happy because somebody is giving him attention. Picture perfect moment again. Family bliss. Aww, how sweet. But, if you have carried a kid like that before, you’d know how much it hurts to have him trampling on your thighs like that! Whenever he leaps and kicks, zomg, the pain. And worse, if you’re playing with him, you lift him high and low with your thighs as the cushion to take off. To all the parents out there, although you don’t say it, I know how painful it is! Haha. So, looking at the mom on the train, I’m like, how is it that she’s grinning from ear to ear when deep down inside her thighs are hurting like mad!??! But, she continues to play with her beloved son, like it’s the only thing she sees in the world.

Isn’t it just like us and God? He carries us through our days, yet sometimes we just throw our emotions, our burdens, our angst, our troubles… all our shit upon Him and get distracted by all the stuffs that’s around us, smiling to ourselves, thinking that this should be the way. “The world revolves around me, and only me” come on, we all entertained this thought before. LOL. We laugh and feel loved because there’s somebody out there that cares so much for us, giving us the attention that we’ve always been seeking, but we don’t care about the hurt we’re actually causing Him, or have caused Him. And God being God, would never complain about how painful it is, He smiles because we are smiling. This is God’s love, always being there for us, always holding us together, no matter what we did, and no matter how painful it hurts. He loved us so much that He put Himself through the most excruciating pain in the world. And this is grace, giving us the love that we all don’t deserve.

So isn’t it time for us to wake up from whatever that we’re doing? At least, for me, yes. We can never undo the hurts we caused Him, nor can we ever compensate Him for the pain He’s put through. But I guess, there’s always one thing we can do. That is to live in His grace, and recognize that He doesn’t need to do this at all. We, okay sounds unfair, I need to start giving thanks more often for this love that I don’t deserve.

To whoever, I know I may not be the best person to say this. You can treat this as a anonymous post you saw online.

Stop trampling on this grace just because it’s there. Stop telling God that you ‘can’t help’ but feel _____ (whatever way you’re feeling now.) I guess there are moments that yeah, we really ‘can’t help’, I mean its natural to can’t help feeling sad upon somebody’s death, can’t help feeling happy because the guy you like likes you back. All this I totally can identify. But our ‘can’t help’ feeling _____ doesn’t mean our can’t stand up with God’s strength anymore. Don’t let our ‘can’t help it’ hinder us from getting near God.

We need to know why we ‘can’t help it’ in the first place. Don’t say you can’t help but cry, can’t help but do this which you don’t know why. Christian or not, I guess it’s a irresponsible way to lead your life if you don’t know why you’re feeling a particular way. You don’t have to share outrightly, but at least be sure of what breaks you and what makes you? Call me too rational but I think this is important? Haha. Like, why are those tears coming in at night? Why do you feel so lonely whenever you’re not with your friends anymore? Or, why you can’t help but feel insecure with certain crowds. We need to know why, if not we just keep indulging in this lame ‘can’t help’ attitude, which I also fall for sometimes.

Make a choice, because we all have freewill. It may be hard to follow through, or we may even fail along the way. But I guess it’s a better answer to God when we see Him in heaven next time, as compared to ‘I can’t help it.’

To those who don’t believe in God, or whatever I said just now. I chanced upon this, and I guess its rather….. meaningful I’d say.

You don’t want to move on. You don’t want to let go. Because you feel that if you let go, you let loose of your life. You’ll lose control, you’ll go crazy.

But no.

You can move on, you just don’t want to, whether you know it or not. Moving on doesn’t mean you’ll lose control. Moving on doesn’t mean that you’ve given up. Moving on doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Moving on means you’re strong. Strong enough to face your past and to accept it. Strong enough to conquer it and focus on your future. Strong enough to control of your life.

Okay, it’s a lengthy post. Thanks for your patience if you ever make it here. Typing all this is like speaking to myself too. Today was a meaningful day spent, lol, partly why the existence of this post. Thanks for those who listened, especially Pamela Yeo Huiqi J yeah, I didn’t mean to react that way just now, I was shocked too. Thanks for not judging me! LOL