im not too sure who's gonna read this but okay this shall be a vulnerable postthere's actually more stuffs ahead of this, but i guess i don't have to post it up. cuz i;m not too sure if the following is manageable to digest already. and im putting it here, because i don't know when will be the right time to voice such stuffs out. and i guess i will never have the courage to voice them out.so this is what i found out about myself sometime ago, but chooses to live with it.



"I’m actually a prideful person, I’m someone who really don’t want to let anyone in, because ultimately it’s still my problem and I don’t think anybody can help. And I’m someone who just wants to move on, anyhow anyway. And I like to stack my friends’ problems on my shoulder, far too much, that it’s not beneficial anymore. And maybe I’m also an insecure person, after seeing friends putting their passions above friendships. It sometimes flash past my mind that it’s not worth it anymore, and I’m not worth it too. That ultimately you’re still not the one they look for in the end. Like no matter how much effort you put in the friendship, sometimes, you will just be second. Who wants to be second in this world. Not me, I want to have friendships that put each other first. I want to have friendships that can brave the storms (which I already have afew).


I’m sick of dysfunctional relationships. So I hold onto those that are functional, so much so that, maybe because of this. It became dysfunctional already. I expect a lot from myself, and secretly expect a lot from my friends. And I know people cannot meet it all the time, sometimes I’m okay, but sometimes I allow myself to be hurt and disappointed because of it. That’s when this whole insecurity shit surfaces all over again. And for some, I know I don’t have to be insecure. Like I’m worthy or what, it’s just that maybe I’m destined to take the backseat. Or I haven't find something/someone that allows my friends to take the backseat in my life."




and of course I pray to God and tells God all this stuff, haha, just that i don't let any humans in. so, take ehart tat at least u have a view of it now? okay, sorry that tone may be wrong. errrrrrrrrrrrr, just at least you can see this now.