okay i have to admit, ive becoming increasingly emotional this days. and i wonder why. isit because of my bad luck. or... lol acty im quite fine with the bad luck thingy. life goes on, just that.......... i feel so defeated sometimes. over the thing in my life, over the things i have no control, over the things i can have control but i still cant control in a way. u get my gist. lol


there's always so much better you can do, there's always so much more you can give, there's always so many more miles to go, there's always so much more love to spread, there's always so much more concern to show, there's always the better BEST side of you, there's always the more perfect side of the almost perfect imperfect side of you. sooo, am i demanding too much from myself? i really wanted somethings to work. and i believed they did. to a certain extent, in my context. the way i pictured it to be, ah nono God not like the way it all happened recently. maybe i should stop making plans for myself. maybe i should let God take control even more. maybe i should really understand in my heart and in my mind that my God is a sovereign God that He is really the one that is in control. not me, no matter how hard i plan.... there is still gonna be hiccups and loopholes because its of human origin.. maybe i should stop looking at myself. and put my magnifying glass on the right focus.


i know im someone who wants alot from myself, my expectation from myself is sky-high. and the speed i get demoralised is hell fast too. then i'll slip into emo mode. lolol, but nah lar, im not emo now.. just dun wana think about the things that i cannot control. more of what i have to do to make myself more ready to embrace the fact that hiccups do happen, and the fact that even if i plan so so so so so so hard or so slipshodly, whatever God allows, God allows. because He is the one in control.


in any case, i wana commit the rest of the matriculation into Your hands, and more importantly, the planning of the matriculation into Your hands. its definitely not easy to plan for a camp for 200 people. and its definitely harder to plan it with the same 7 people, and tie up all the loose ends in 3days. but im gonna trust in You, and i know that You will make it work. not because of our skills or abilities, but because of Your love for Your people, and Your love for us. thankYou God. im gonna sleep. nights.