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Psalm 37:16
16 Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;

@ Tuesday, April 17, 2012 8:18 AM
When I was young, I used to dream about growing up. It’s really something I craved for; I couldn’t stop thinking about how it would be when I would break free from this situation. Break free from people’s expectations, from my own expectations, from this place that lacks love so badly. Now, I’m 22. On and off, the same things are still happening. Overall, yeah, I think we can agree that ultimately things did get better. But no, that’s not the reason for this blogpost today.

Even till now, I still have this deep desire to one day just, be a rebel and run away. I mean…. I dono. Please forgive me for having these thoughts. I’ve always dreamt that adulthood is going to be more carefree… and I’m going to be happier. With good grades, good friends…. But aigooooo. I’m like still plagued with the same if not worse, more issues. (heave a deep sigh) I can vividly remember asking God to make things better for like 22919010932002 times. Honestly, with all glory and honor, He did. He did make things better. We aren’t that quarrelsome anymore, and looking at those pits of my life…. He was actually the one who lifted me up and out of them. But one thing, there is this one thing I really want to thank God for. Other than answering my prayer, He made one thing better too. That’s me. Haha. I couldn’t believe how far I’ve came. And I couldn’t believe that he believed in me so much that He died on the cross for me. Amidst all these struggling, I found God. He’s as real as my fears. Whenever I’m holding back, He whispers to me one of His promises. “I’m scared.” He’d say, “I’m with you.” “I can’t do it.” He’d say, “I will do it with you.” “This is not for me, I hate this. Why don’t You just make it right?!?!” He’s patiently say, “this is gonna be good for you.” I do get a little pekchek sometimes whenever He replies with such a gentle tone…. Like I’m the only one that’s anxious. But, I guess that’s true? I’m indeed the only one that’s anxious. Truth be told, I’m easily wavered by little things. To the best of my ability, I really ensure that things are going right in my life. Little by little, He broke these insecurities apart.

But of course, I’m not perfect. Just like what Paul had said in Phil 3:12-14
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I’m not there, neither am I almost there… I know it’s going to be a long road. But, my prayer started to change. I will always remember this quote which prompted the change. We ask God, not for a lighter burden, but for stronger backs. Ultimately, God is after us. He wants me to be the best that I can. And I can only pray that for every test and temptation that comes my way, the Holy Spirit will help me fight away this innate brokenness, that I can be who Jesus Christ has called me to be.

think @ Tuesday, March 27, 2012 2:34 AM

SHad this random thought when I'm in lecture. I had been following this Taiwanese show closely, it talks about people psychologically, socially.. and it tries to explain human behavior with those methods and also by horoscope and tarot. Lol.

I have been suffering from bad sleeping quality these days, it takes a lot for me to fall asleep so I've decided to use that time to consolidate some thoughts..


I remember very clearly some words of the psychologist. She actually said, in an episode of extra national affair. 不要太高估你自己,你没有那么伟大。yess, how many times have we thought that it's our actions that made someone else the way they are. Oh, I must have been A very bad wife hence my husband has to go outside and look for some fun. Yeah. I guess everybody goes through that period of soul searching and self reproach. But. We can't be stuck in that process for too long. Have we ever stopped and think that, regardless of our actions, if someone wants to go out and have some fun, we actually are powerless to stop them. Even if you're average Jane, he will go. Even if you're Angelina Jolie, he would have gone ahead too. Many times, ppl commit something undesirable, it's not because others didn't love him or her enough. It's because we are sinful to begin with, and it's hard to not make mistakes all the time. It's their own brokenness they're struggling with, yes you could have played your part, but can we realise that sometimes.... it's really not about us even though we are hurt by their actions.

Many wives believe that if they do a better job. Their husbands would come back to them... yeah, maybe. But have we solved the root of the problem here? Usually, extra marital affairs is not a reason for a couple to fall apart. But it's a consequence. The root issue goes wayy deeper. It's not you changing to make the situation to work towards what you want now. It's about working together. Similarly, many issues goes deeper than what they seemed like. It's not because of you all the time. It maybe because of the other party. Or two of you together.

My point of saying this is that many times we get caught up in the thinking that if we do something better, we could have kept someone by our side. But no, it's a deeper issue. It's not solely about you. Pull back and think, we all have our dark side hence we make certain choices and mistakes. Forgive yourself, and forgive the other party my recognizing this may be more liberating for everybody.

Maybe one thing we should do is to think about why certain things hurt us more than others do. Sometimes, we aren't hurt by the actions of others. Think, A can hit B and C in the same way with the same strength. But B may have make a big fuss out of it while C walks away cooly. Why? Because different things gets to the depths of our hearts. Underlying all these hurts are anger, disappointment, insecurity, grief... whatnot. Maybe it's worth a thought why we can't seem to move on from certain stuffs. As it is written, all has fallen short of God's standards. It's totally normal to feel broken because we are broken to begin with. Just rmb. There's always a better solutions with God. I know it's not easy. I'm struggling to even pen  this down. hope it makes sense.

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@ Saturday, March 17, 2012 10:04 AM

Romans 10:17
New International Version (NIV)
17 Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.

until and unless we learn and accept who God really is, the kinda faith we have is not going be one that's releasing. one that heals. one that performs miracles. i believe why the disciples could have the power to do what Jesus did was because they saw and they believed. it was a fact, it wasn't something that people like us read in the bible, and try to imagine it from our point of view in the present. i guess sometimes we really halved, or maybe like just have the faith for 10% of God's power.... tsk. why we so like that. 

was at the kingdom invasion conference tonight. felt the spirit moving as well.. the pastor said that faith comes from knowing who God really is. it comes from knowledge, it comes from going near to God. we can never muster faith in somebody until we really really know him/her right. imagine... before your best friend was your best friend, would you ever entrust the amount of info you're giving to her then? i guess not. it took a lot of communication, hanging out, having fun, a lot of sharing a lot of joy, a lot of tears to stand at where you guys now. similarly, for God and us, we need to press in (like what PJ keep saying) and of course we need to know who God really is..

i have this nagging burden that most of us are entering in the presence of God, trying so so so so to lift up the name of Jesus, but actually its kinda beyond our level of faith. we say oh God You're good... but a part of us is like, oh God... i dono how good You really are.. 

maybe all we need to do for now is to really confess our guilt and fears as we come into the presence of God, that's the thing that's hindering us. i confess that, i'm not always comfortable coming into the presence of God. i feel that im unworthy at times... i feel that ive sinned so badly against Him, and He'll be angry towards me. sometimes, i feel super unloved by God, i feel shortchanged. i try to hard to worship Him, and something inside me is like, tsk God... my life is sooo hard. sometimes im distracted, by the worries of this earth. but even small and ridiculous things like what i am going to wear tmr. i tell you, really these are the stupid things that goes through my mind whenever i strum the guitar trying to worship, or like randomly breaking into song to praise. thus, i believe in spiritual warfare. and to engage in spiritual warfare, of course you need spiritual tools la. LOL, true story. we need prayers, we need interceding, we need the word of God. we need deliberate attempts to stay focus on the one and only who deserves our attention.. 

but many times, i think we got the wrong outlook of God. we think He's always angry with us, think He's far away, think i have not much to thank Him for. but i guess that's really those stuffs that impedes us from entering the presence of God and worshiping Him in His wholeness. 

today the pastor said that 

2 Corinthians 1:19-20
New International Version (NIV)
19 For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas[a]and Timothy—was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” 20 For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.

how many times we forgot about this, that God wants to bless us so badly. and in His name, it's always Yes and Amen. if we ask with the right heart and motives.. we need solid knowledge of God, knowledge = facts about Him. that we won't be shaken by circumstances and feelings, that's when our faith rises to a higher and deeper level. and we can do what the apostles did in Jesus' name too. drive out devils, let the blind see, feed 5000, heal the sick, wake up the dead. yes, i saw many healing today. and it's something i want to rmb till the day that i die, it's a clear indication that God works, and He loves His people. He definitely will and definitely will move. and to engage supernaturally, God, if i try to see You with my human eyes, i guess You're still restricted by my brokenness. but i come to You broken today, help me see You supernaturally. 

my heart broke a few days ago when i had a real bad fight with my dad, and until now i haven't been feeling too good about it. i seriously cannot uds why he said those mean and hurting stuffs. but then again, im reminded of smth. being strong and independent (I guess..... haha, okay may not be that true la) or being prideful, or being human... i try to hide my wounds by plastering over them. i saw a heart full of plasters, and i could put a name to every scar that i've gotten for the past 21 years. (wah, so calculative. lol, paiseh larrr) when i have bad relapses, when im reminded of all the pain that ive went through, wah, my world just crashed. i heal myself by putting plasters, shoving them aside, telling myself i need to trust in God more. then i realise, im not letting God do the work that He's best at, which is healing and driving out all these negative emotions. i saw another heart which is pretty much whole, pumping, it's like a good heart. there's no plasters on it. and i don't see any scars on it too. then i realise that's my destiny in Christ, and that's what God intended for me. but for now, He needs to tear out those plasters ive pasted. and because some of them have been there for a million years, it sticks better than a super glue. so it's gonna get real painful trying to tear down all this strongholds in my life. yeah, so i do get emotionally affected recently. but i know my help is here. and He will not delay. Youre God, that's why i love You. 

@ 1:41 AM

Sense of abandonment. It's so real to me. Many times how I feel is a result of my insecurities. The solution is not to ask others to treat me better.. value me more. But to be healed of this wounds by God

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#random @ Thursday, March 15, 2012 11:11 AM
faith, love, hope. we can't love without faith. we can't have hope without faith. love is a manifestation of faith. on the other hand, we can't have faith alone, without loving others. we can't have faith without having a lil hope..

yet love is the greatest of them all. because it's motivated by faith and proven in action? random thoughts i have. how great then, is my love? not very great i guess. i feel bad about people, when i say i wanna slap someone. sometimes i do sincerely mean it. i don't even love myself very much to begin with. how do i even go on to love others? such a stupid concept. shame comes in when love isn't around. when a kid is loved, he/she is more willing to try, more willing to tell you how he/she feels. however, when love is inadequate, shame takes over. when people don't feel loved, they feel like there's something wrong with them or with the people around them... defenses are built, negative feelings are aroused.

love, doesn't come from me. it comes from high above. from a being who always love, always trust, always protects, always forgives. God, i owe You far too much. thank You for loving me.

a lil qns for a lil boy @ Tuesday, February 28, 2012 2:04 AM
I've once asked a little boy, about 11 years old, what kinda girls does he like. After hearing this qns, he turned to his sister and said, "someone like her". "I like girls like my sister." Haha, I will never forget this answer.

I guess, this is the kinda girls we should be. One that takes care of the younger ones in the family, one that makes our family proud of us.

@ Saturday, February 04, 2012 8:27 AM
her screams rang in my head, over and over and over again. it's like deja vu of what happened when i was younger. she used to scream and shout at me just as hysterically, the fear within me stirred. and along with it, my angst as well. i so wanted to make something happen. however, at that moment, i know im only capable of causing hurt. much as i wanted to, i refrained from it. there's so many things i can't control in life. there's so many things that could just turned around in a few hours', a few minutes.. what do we, mere man, has control over? nothing. what can we, ever be sure of? nothing, but the love of God. but the One who promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. i hold tightly onto this verse, because apart from You, i have no good thing within me.

i'm sorry if i cant live up to Your standards at times due to my overwhelming emotions. sometimes im not sure what im so angry about, or why im so upset for. sometimes... i feel like im going crazy as well. but i know You will always be there for me.

this incident taught me one thing. You're the only one who cares, the only who will stay by me forever. teach me how to have faith in times like this, and also, teach me how to keep the faith when things are looking up. You're not somebody i wanna abandon at the end of the day. teach me humility, teach me patience, teach me all the good things you have in store for me. and i know, maybe there's nothing else that'll probably make me this sad again. You're my portion, please come and save us like You've saved me. i love You.

@ Thursday, February 02, 2012 9:13 PM

Woah. I think God just brought me through a season of real lows and now everything's looking a bit better. But of cause, I don't want my mood to be determined by my circumstances because God is my joy.. but truth be told.. I guess I've been holding myself together for quite some time as much as I can. Talking about it makes me sad. So sad that I won't stop crying. And that makes me tired and eventually inefficient for the things that I'm supposed to do. Ie ministry.. studies.. Netball. I've went many days lacking sleep. Partly because I can't. Partly because I really have no time. I felt the heat burning all around me. Everything is shouting to me. Do this! Do that! Come on liting spare more time. There's soo much to do. And I'm amazed at how God brought me through. He's always there for me. And He knows me. And my weaknesses. He knows that I've been losing faith in the situation. Ppl are leaving, ppl can't be bothered to care more. Nobody's looking at the big picture. Everyone can only see themselves.. which was really draining. I wouldn't dare say I did the best job in loving them. And being a salt and light to them because there're times that I've really gotten super pissed and raged at them as well. But I think I really wanna thank God for reminding me to keep the faith. From the beginning, when I haven't been allocated my mods. I had a stubborn faith that God will make it work.. I mean judging but situation as well?! I'm graduating leh. God, You will give it to me right? I was disheartened when the appeal took quite some time. But something within me told me to ask and I'll receive. In the end, the stubborn faith worked out.. ohnono, I mean God worked!! Hahaa He had mercy on me and gave my mods to me (which I'm struggling to juggle now)

So from that incident on, God told me that it's the same Him that's working. So I can have the same stubborn faith no matter what I'm praying for. Be it for my mom, my family, my future or my career.. hmm, haha sounds politically correct.. but ohman. When Moe didn't reply my email and all my other friends had gotten them, that REALLY SUCKED. I wonder why God made me had all these passions and dreams for.. I wonder why He made me come to NUS and in the end not giving me a chance to try for teaching. I began to doubt.. then He replied me by saying He knows all these passions and dreams that I have. And He won't forget them. He wants the best for me, so if I'm made for this what makes me think that He won't give it to me.. woahh I was blown away. So I told God that I will keep the faith again. And I will keep the faith for the situation in my house no matter how tough things gets because He's the one who is watching over us. And praise the Lord because my mom's health report is good. There's nothing wrong with her!! :) the doc gave her meds to sleep better at night. And I'm praying that things will get better from here.. And I've been scheduled a Moe interview!!  :) although nothing is confirmed, but I really take heart that I did this whole thing with Him. And now I'm even more assured that He is for me and He really knows me and wants the best for me.

I hope this post encouraged you a lil, and I'm looking forward to even more testimonies to glorify Him. :)

In good times or bad times, there's only one thing we need to do. Have faith, my friend.

P.s. thanks for those who always showed concern. Appreciate it deep deep in my heart. :)

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